SassyBlonde

Baptists. I was raised with them ad nauseum. As George Carlin put it, "I was a practicing member until I reached the Age of Reason". Every time I go home I'm more and more amazed and nauseated by the whole culture. Some of the things I hear coming out of these peoples' mouths just make me want to puke on their shoes.

Now I really have no problem with people who choose to go to church and practice organized religion, but let me explain why I don't. (Before I begin this rant, let me give you a little history.)

Let me explain where that big ole' entry came from just now. Today I saw a friend's mom and she told me that my parents' church had just outlawed dancing at weddings held there beause of her wedding reception- where she and her Dad had danced to a favorite song on a CD--- No band. No DJ. No booty music. Just a swing band CD. That means future brides can't dance with their daddies and their new hubbies, and grooms can't whisk their moms out on the dance floor. This because the precher said Baptists don't believe in dancing.

I don't know who he's talked to, but Dad danced with me at our wedding. My sister's going to dance at hers. Just try and stop her. :)

What kind of a crab do you have to be to ban that? Makes me want to puke.

I think I've just about had it with Chief Justice Roy Moore. I put up with years of these insane people down in Birmingham when I was growing up.

For those of you who have never experienced the religious culture of the South firsthand-- a little overview:

- If you're not a Christian, or your family doesn't regularly attend church, you are immediately classified as an outcast.

- If you qualify for the above designation, you can also expect to have all manner of nuts (and some who are only marginally nuts, to be fair) beating down your door to try to wheedle, pressure, guilt-trip, and frighten you into immediately "coming to Jesus".

- Most social events are church-based, therefore, no church, no social life.

- You can also expect that your religion will play into your work life, in a "Jim Crow" sort of fashion. Not Christian? Don't expect to really be comfortable around tha water cooler, and become accustomed to your name coming up in gossip conversations. ("Well, Betty Sue, you know she's not in the church, So of course..." negative x,y, or z trait)

- Even parents will stoop to heavily schooling their children in the inferiority and waywardness of children of non-Christian families. Believe it. I was once told by a friend's parent, at the age of five, that my best friend was going to burn in hell eternally and be tortured by demons. Good dreams that night, let me tell ya'.

And these people want us to believe that their putting the Ten Commandments in the state courthouse is fair and equal, and that it doesn't necessarily mean that non-Christians aren't welcome? Not likely. Just because the majority believes as you do, doesn't give you carte blanche, dude. Back down. I hope they fire this asshole.

This is some of the funniest crap I've seen in a LONG time. Especially the section on advice for married couples from 1 Corinthians. Who knew the Bible was so forthcoming on oral gratification?

So I had to attend a funeral today. Very sad in a way, but we all knew it was coming. As I was leaving the chapel, I walked out of the narthex and out the front door to see the coffin being loaded into--

--wait for it--

a UPS truck.

An optical illusion, since the hearse was parked behind the truck, but I've never had to leave a funeral so quick. I sat in the car and just howled laughing until I could compose myself to drive home.

I received this website in an email from a family member today:

Pray For This Man

It seriously boggles my mind that anyone in this nation can still worship Dubya as much as the religious right does. I realize that as someone who lives inside the Beltway I hear way more politics as local news than anyone else in the country, but it escapes me as to how people can determine a man's worth based solely on his religious affiliation.

Do you and your God-fearing spouse enjoy getting a little "friskier" than your Baptist preacher recommends? Then check this guy out:

About 100 evangelical Christian couples stand in the convention hall of a Four Points Sheraton, bow their heads and thank God for their lives and the new day. Then they sing the old-timey hymn "There's Not a Friend Like the Lowly Jesus." ... But then Beam, a portly, silver-haired basso profundo dressed in khaki slacks, a sweater vest and brown tasseled loafers that make him look like a retired country-club golf pro, walks to the front of the room and proceeds to tell the men in the audience how to make their semen taste better.

Sweet stuff works, he says, which provides a built-in excuse because "then you can say, 'I'm eating this cake for you, baby!'"

Welcome to the world of hot Christian love.

From MSNBC.

I always love watching artists who are totally and utterly committed to the voice of the piece they're playing for an audience.

Tonight I went to hear a performace by a friend of mine. It was the last in a series of recitals she's using to prepare for the Gaudeamus Interpreters competition, for which she leaves this week. This competition brings together people from across the globe who are deeply committed and passionate about new music (yes, that burp-fart stuff that so many of you, and I, detest about modern classical). From a field of about 120 they whittle away until only the best and brightest remain, and the winners takes home a tidy but substantial nest egg to keep their passion going.

A small disclaimer before I continue to sing her praises-- I don't usually choose to listen to this type of music. Ever. Most of the time I entertain humorous thoughts of composers with way too much time on their hands when I listen to or play this sort of thing, so when I find someone who can jar those thoughts out of my head for the duration of a performace I sit up and take notice.

Speaking of free speech and all, have you guys heard what happened to Mike Daisey this past week? Watch the video (NSFW beacuse of his use of the F-bomb at the beginning). It's one of the most ballsy and good-humored recoveries from this sort of thing I've ever seen.

Mike Daisey was performing his monologue INVINCIBLE SUMMER at American Repertory Theatre on April 19th when the show was disrupted by eighty seven members of a Christian group who walked out of the show en masse to protest the content, and chose to physically attack the work by pouring water on and destroying the original of his show outline.

Just for good measure, to anyone who may be reading: FUCK. Throw some water on that if you dare.

(Thanks to Solonor for the heads-up.)

UPDATE: Apparently the group in question was not, in fact, a "Christian group" as such, even though the water-pourer identified himself that way. Anyway, Daisey' s update is here. This doesn't change how I feel about this, by the way. There's a way to deal with disapproval of a performance, and this was not it. If they were even slightly concerned about possible objectionable content (seriously people, who buys tickets to a Mike Daisey performance without expecting at least some pretty offensive stuff), all they would have had to do was contact the box or business office for a content sheet or consultation. Every theater I've ever worked for provides them to potential audience members on request, containing listings of objectionable language and plot material. Again, I say in his defense, FUCK. So there.

When you grew up in the 80s and 90s in the Southern Baptist church like I did, chances are that at some point you sang the santized cover of Peaceful Easy Feeling along with your youth pastor.

And then a few years later you totally laughed your ass off at that South Park episode: you know-- the one where Cartman forms a Christian band. Enter humanivy, who offers up a top ten list of some more possibilities guaranteed to make you snarf your iced tea:

The Cartman Prophecies.

Enjoy! (Praise 'baby', praise 'baby'.)

(Thanks to The Muse for the heads-up.)

... but I just have to share this website I just Stumbled Upon: The Skeptic's Annotated Bible. I was laughing out loud and snorting loud enough that I was afraid I was going to wake up The Muse. Case in point:

"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17

Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9, 7:1

God swears to himself. 22:16

"He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12

"Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27"

So here's the thing:

I've missed you guys.

I've had some pretty heavy things going on in my life this year, things which basically have changed the face of my entire existence in one way or another. And I haven't really felt comfortable talking about that here, in public, for anyone and everyone to read. More importantly, there are very good reasons why I can't and shouldn't.

And frankly, it's killing me.

Because if you're still reading this, then I've probably known you, or had you as a reader, for long enough that you're probably wondering what the hell happened to me.

Because if you're still reading this, you're probably one of the people whose opinions and love I value enough that I'm going to need your help in the next year.

Because frankly, I need an outlet more in-depth than Twitter and less personal than Facebook.

So here's the other thing:

On March 1st, this blog is getting a makeover. I'll be moving it to a new server, shaking up the layout a little, and converting it to a new CMS, though the site address won't change. The ranting and raving and silliness will stay the same, only there will be some things that I don't want to share with everybody, some things that I may need to share and say, but only within certain circles. I'm tired of keeping it all pent up and I've done that for long enough.

If you're still reading this blog, and you're been a loyal reader or friend or even a long-time lurker, email me at (sassy{at}sassyblonde{dot}net) with the title of this post in the subject line or comment on this post and request an access key. I'd love to have you in the circle.

Til then, I'll be cleaning house and doing some renovation, and I'll see you on March 1st.

UPDATE: So, snow and circumstances being what they've been around here, I'm going to have to ask you guys to wait around a little longer, which actually ends up being appropriate for a lot of reasons. I've gotten all your emails and comments, and if you can hang tight for a few more weeks, I'll have the next phase ready on April 1st.