SassyBlonde

I toyed with the idea of protecting this entry, but I really think it's better suited for public consumption. This is your warning that it contains more than a few not suitable for prime time bits, so proceed at your own risk.

So, you lovely regulars may remember from this post last week that I was having a bit of trouble with a friend of mine, and I'd like to just say a few things for the record:

• Real friends don't use people who are doing them favors.
• If you have a friend who is willing to rearrange her life for your "emergency", don't push that one too far, or if you do you'd better have a damn good reason.
• Unless you're on the World Poker Tour, you'd better be damn sure your lying is up to par, because Southern girls are like bloodhounds... we can sort a false trail from the real facts in a heartbeat.
• There is such a thing as favor collateral. If I do you a favor of immense magnitutde, I won't hesitate to remind you if you forget.
• Just because you're cute doesn't mean you have more collateral with me. I don't have a dick and I'm not that stupid.
• Saying you're sorry and actually being sorry are two completely different things, and most people can tell the difference pretty easily.
• Saying "I'm so sorry!! Okay?" and grinning and cocking your head to one side doesn't actually make it okay. Just because you want to ease your conscience doesn't mean I have to play along and forgive and forget.
• And while I'm at it and just for good measure, being an asshole is being an asshole. I don't care if you think it's witty-- it's shitty and everybody else knows it.

I've had it with people who try to get away with murder because they're cute or popular or think they're witty and edgy. The first two categories have to do directly with the aforementioned situation: I have a friend who really pushed the boundaries of good friendship last week by overextending a favor she asked of me by a week (the original was for three days). Not only that, but she expected that because she called and was super-cute about apologizing, that everything would be peachy and we'd be all good when she came home (whenever that might be) and it would be no problem. The problem with that scenario is that she's got a terrible poker face and had already pissed me off by making assumptions about when I'd be available and screwing up the reciprocal with a friend of mine. I had a lot of reasons to question the validity of her story, and it just added insult to injury that I had to rearrange my plans to accommodate her little emergency.

See, I have what D calls a really high "Shit Tolerance Level". I can put up with all kinds of crap and smile and be polite. Above and beyond the call of duty, folks. However, there will always be a moment when you reach the tipping point with me, and when you do, it's game on. Once you've crossed that line, it becomes really hard for me to be nice, and I'm talking even civil. And you can fucking forget about me helping you out in any way, shape or form. Done doesn't even begin to describe it, because it's damn near irreversible-- it could conceivably last the duration of your lifetime. Like most good Southern girls, I have a long memory and am really good at telling people to fuck off while making everyone else in the conversation hear "Hello-- my isn't that an in-ter-esting dress", and there are much more insidious ways of showing your displeasure than being an outright asshole. It's perfectly doable to cover someone else in conversational and interpersonal shit while keeping you own hands clean. After all, there's no art in being obvious, which brings me to my next point.

I know a couple of people, as do most of you lovely people out there, who think it's really fun to shit on people around them because they think it looks witty or funny. The characters in question are in fact, neither especially witty or funny, but in fact pretty obvious, obnoxious, and sad, not to mention embarrassing to be around. (And not in the "Oh my God, he just made me look like a goof-- I need to crawl under a chair," kind of way-- more "Wow, how does this guy have any friends?... I should disassociate myself immediately so people don't think I'm as big a tool as he is,") I'd also like to point out that people who are really good the sort of jab these guys are trying for very rarely do it for fun, and it's like spice-- used sparingly and at great cost only when really necessary, which makes it much more artistically done and infinitely more effective.

This type of behavor becomes a major problem when one of those people they're ripping on happens to be a friend of mine, or God forbid, my significant other. Most of the time I'm able to ignore it, which really pisses off the parties in question. Chances are that even if I seem to ignore it at the time, I'll remember that you were an asshole and you'll be basically uninvited to anything I'm doing where you might embarrass me by being a dick to my friends or anyone I know. (This also includes being rude to people in public like waitresses for no good reason too, by the way, in case you wondered.) I know a lot of people think I'm really sweet and personable (where the hell have they been, I know) and will put up with this kind of shit, but I have news for you: pull that crap on me and you'll ascend to the top of my Shit List right fucking quick, and your life may become really uncomfortable post haste. Or at my leisure. You have been warned.